i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
