I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
