it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
