I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Randomize
