wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
