True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
