Sorry, I don't speak sober.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Randomize