Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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