the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
