Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
