I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Randomize
