if only i could text you this smell
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
