I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
