I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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