Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
And then my night got REAL pukey
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
