Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
