I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Randomize
