a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize