I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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