She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Holy sore nipples Batman
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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