Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
