shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
