This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
