seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
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