I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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