Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
