I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
