im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize