There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
