alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Randomize
