I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
