College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Randomize
