i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
