Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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