you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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