we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
