You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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