He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
