Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Randomize