3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
