Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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