I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
