you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
