Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
