Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
ok first of all what the fuck
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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