My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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