the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
