Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I looked at my own cervix.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Randomize
