dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
