I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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