i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Randomize
