my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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