I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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