then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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