Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
