I find it funny that "sexual harassment" contains the phrase "ass sex". Let me know what your thoughts are on the matter.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
