i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
You made out with two different species that night
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
