sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
