you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
