One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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